Day 66: New Beginnings

Nothing is coincidence.

Coincidence is a message from a higher power.

So what... I am becoming Spiritual. Is that a bad thing?

Today I drove up to New Paltz to meet DW and CW. They are giving me the gift of creativity and love. I deserve this gift. They are showing me that freedom is around the corner. All I needed was for them to open the door and I am going to run right through it.

Driving to New Paltz alone was a coincidence for me. At first I thought that CW was going to be a little bit upset with my because I made the decision to keep my recovery at the forefront. I chose to spend a few hours a week for the next 4 weeks to do my Outpatient step down program. I really want to make sure that I am continuing to build my foundation and strengthen my tools in order to become the best person possible.

When I got there, CW did not seem angry at all. It was all in my head. I made more of it then I had to.

We all went out to a really nice, easy lunch. I was not even close to affected at the beer drinking around me. I could care less. I noticed that I ate the same exact meal as DW and realized that I truly idolize that woman. I wish I was able to tell her. She is living the life I want to live. She worked her ass off for years and now has a beautiful home, daughter, and life. She doesn't let anything get too serious or too hard and she lives by the power of suggestion. So... I ordered the same meal as her. Hoping that some of it rubs off on me.

Driving back to Queens was weird. I was alone in the car, so I had a lot of time to think. Thinking is not always the best thing to do if you are an addict. I thought about Mr. L.... who I know I haven't mentioned much in this blog. He is on my mind often. I am not sure how to write out how I feel about him or for him. He is one of those things that I can put into a million nonsense words... but cannot describe what is the real emotional part. This is one of those things I am going to let my higher power handle.. because I am pretty sure that it is already in the hands of her. She knows what is right for me.

So I thought about Mr. L and I thought about my sponsor. I thought about my sister and my parents. I thought about Mr. K and what he might be doing, as I always do. I thought about my new beautiful friends who made my weekend amazing and hopeful. I thought about how lucky and how tormented I am. I felt really in peace with it all.

Until... I hit the Bronx.

I got onto the Cross Bronx Expressway going towards the Throgs Neck Bridge and I started to see the signs that I used to see when I was counting down the minutes until the pills would kick in and I would get that rush starting in my foot and making its warm feeling up my legs and into my stomach. Then I would hit the bridge and it would be time to smoke that perfect first high cigarette. Even typing this is giving me the chills. I got over the bridge and realized t hat I wasn't high. I didn't just spend a few hundred dollars. And I was on my way to a meeting.

I was going to the right place.

I got there... and I shared the story. And I let it go.

Day 60: Green things grow

The future is completely unknown
How lucky am I to wake up everyday and experience everything
This sounds horribly cheesy... but this is what I feel

I am completely free
Nobody controls me and I don't need anyone to be me.

I feel amazing.

These past 60 days have been the hardest days of my life.
I felt every emotion a million times over.
I let go of people that I thought I would never live without.
They might come back into my life, when the time is right, or might not. Whatever happens will happen... and I will keep living.

Meeting people and embracing the new people in my life has truly been a blessing.

I learn something from everyone I meet.
I am completely letting go of anger and fear.
Those feelings are not always needed.... especially from me.

Today I take care of my health, mind, body and spirit everyday.
"I used to think that I had all the answers, but today I am glad that I don't."

Day 54: Happy New Years

I have been clean for almost 2 months for the first time in 10 years. In these two months my entire life has changed and I really love my life today. It took me these two months to just let go.
Everyone around me in recovery has been talking about "letting go" and honestly it made no sense to me. I let everything affect me. I am sensitive and I have feelings and I thought;
Why wouldn't I let things affect me?
Why wouldn't I grieve for years over my loss of my past relationship?
Why wouldn't I hate myself for all the stupid things I have done in the last year?
Why wouldn't I feel confused about the way I acted while I was using?

And then it made sense.... Let it Go.
Why should I entertain thoughts that don't make me feel good right now? In active addiction...I did a lot of dumb things. I acted horribly. I hurt and cheated many people. I treated myself poorly and I almost died. But in the end. .... I cannot change any of those things and I cannot make any of the people affected change how they feel about me.
But the most important thing I can do is treat myself well.... and Forgive Myself... because nobody else has to. I have to go on with life. I can't just sit here and feel bad about myself or LET people make me feel bad about myself. I am not perfect... and I have no intention on being.

I just have to love myself today whether or not anyone else does.

I am extremely happy going into 2010.

• I have a new opportunity and the love and support of the people from my past who are important to me.
• I have an amazing sister who I am finally a good example for.
  
• I have amazing girl friends in my life for the first time EVER.
  
• I am able to date people without feeling a NEED for them.
  
• For the first time I am letting men come to me... and don't want to make them a "boyfriend" or "life long relationship"... for ONCE that idea seems really stupid to me at the age of 24.
  

I have A LOT of life to live. I am really EXCITED to be living it for ME and for NOBODY else. This is going to be an AMAZING year.

Day 48: When I get there

When I get where I'm going
You will say hey
Didn't I dream about you
When I get there
You will say hey
Didn't I love you before

When I get where I'm going
You will look twice
Now I will be pretty from within
The present becomes the future
When I get there

When I get where I'm going
You will hope I'm alone
Try to talk to me
You had me the string wrapped around your finger
Now I will be a rock
The Present becomes the future
When I get there

Day 47: My lucky number

Today I cried in group. I keep seeing Mr. K in my head in bed with another woman who is better than me. This leads me to the gym where I work out for 1 or 2 hours. I don't know if this is healthy but it seems to get the image out of my head.

I am starting to really hate my body. It is not behaving like it used to. I used to lose weight so easily ... now it is taking longer. I work out so hard. I know I need to be a little stricter with my diet and start to count the amount of fruit and vegetables. I need to lay off the french fries.... but i just gave up Drugs... I don't want to give it all up so fast !!

I am taking a risk and hanging out with a new friend today. In mutual terms that it is JUST to be friends. I feel good about it. There feels like no pressure. I really just want to have friends.

I really just want to learn to accept myself and my body and not get so down on myself. There are plenty of people who consider me very fit. But I am afraid that I think I am the most gross girl on the planet. If I can grab fat or see myself in a stouty way... i feel depressed.

I know the doctor said that this is only temporary and I will get back to normal shortly.... but I am very impatient. And .. I am afraid of ED coming to get me.... I can hear it in my head.. there is almost no escape.

If I don't start to like myself.. I will NEVER be healthy.
But at least Im not on drugs right?

Day 45: Realization

I have come to the realization that my whole life before today was a lie. I am left with pieces of what I thought was reality ... all I feel is pain.

Day 42: Things I am looking forward to

There is just too much going on in my life to begin to spill it out in one post. I really need to keep up with this blog more often. When you are clean there is a lot more time on your hands to do a lot more things.

Where to begin:

1. My Sister came home and admitted to me that she has been struggling with a drinking problem (great....)
2. My new friend Brian has reintroduced me to playing music which has been kicking up some serious past emotions for me. But it is said that everything happens for a reason.. I definitely need to mourn music.
   
3. Mr. K has been speaking to me much more now that he is in Brazil. I am not sure if he actually loves speaking to me as much as I do him, or if he is just calling me to get a taste of home. But I should stay positive.
   
4. My car has a plethora of issues that might end up putting me in debt... but its okay with me somehow.
   
5. I am have a hard time loving the whole "sponsor" thing. I don't like small talk and I am not sure what I am supposed to talk about. It is not the fault of the sponsor because it would be like this with anyone.
   

All and all ... I really have no desire to be using drugs but life is hard nowadays. I have 2 weeks left of OUTPATIENT. Funny how much I complained about it at the very beginning of this blog and now I am really upset that it is almost over. ...