Day 11: Holding back tears

Day 11 : Not the best day of my Life

Today was a really difficult day for me ..... from the moment I woke up until this very moment I feel as if I am holding back tears. I really just need a hug from Mr. K but the trouble is that he doesn't want to see me.
He is really confusing me and how I should feel and think. One day, he wants me to be with him and the next he does not want to see me at all. He is really trying to control what he says, but he says emotional things towards me anyway. He is trying not to be in love with me... and I am feeling all of it. It really hurts me and it pulls me and rips me in every direction.
I want to go to him and confess a love of a lifetime but he already knows.... and he says it hurts him when I share my emotions about it. But where do I unleash? I can NO LONGER mask my confusion... I can NO LONGER take it away with a pill. And it really leaves me unsettled. .... I just keep trying to think... This too shall pass.

BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO PASS!

I want to be in love with this man forever. I don't want to ever love another. I don't want my feelings to fade. I only want them to grow. I don't want to think of what could have been .. I want to think of what WILL BE.

It all hurts too much... It hurts my heart and my soul.... and I am trying to remember to just leave it to my higher power. What will happen will happen and I cannot in any way shape of form influence anyones decision. Mr. K has to come to terms... He might decide he cannot live without our love and the knot he feels inside is the emptiness that can only be filled by me. He might come to realize that it is OK to accept my love even in its imperfect form.

I can only back down at this point and that is soo strange feeling to me. I feel like I am alone in a field with people all around me holding guns.. I don't know which one will shoot or what it will feel like.. but inevitably something is going to happen and it is going to really hurt.

I want to have to power to fix everything with a lightening speed so that I can go straight into being the best girlfriend/ best friend/ lover that he has ever had. I want to fastfoward to the part where he says he can never live without me and I have been what was missing in his life for all this time...
but I can't...
and I don't understand what to do about it.