Day 118: True Dedication

I thought it would be painful to start writing again. Having struggled to stay off drugs for the last year. This is the most time I have back in over 6 months. It wasn't easy to get clean again but it was easy to pick up again. I know that I needed to get clean again. I know at this point that it isn't always going to be my choice to stay in the process but the other choice is to die.

In May, I picked up drinking again, after 6 months clean ... I thought that I could just drink. It took me about 3 days to find my drug of choice again. I am not even sure how it happened. I brought myself back to the rooms and I stayed clean for another 3 months. That is when I decided that I really didn't care about staying clean ... again. I picked up again and this time I picked up Heroin. This all happened around the same time I was supposed to move to Tampa. Because I knew that heroin was going to kill me sooner than anything, and I was going broke.. again.... I brought myself back into the rooms. I told my boss that I had a serious problem, checked myself back into a program, and started the process all over again.

After three months clean, I decided that I put a lot of work into my recovery and was ready to move to Tampa. Looking back on it now, I probably could have waited a little more time. But I do live in Tampa now, and I made it here clean.. which is a miracle. I started dating a woman who is not in recovery and definitely has a different lifestyle than me. We argue a lot about the fact that I need so much attention and my recovery takes the lead. Sometimes I get so mad at myself that I have to live like this and I get mad at her that she doesn't understand that I don't have a choice. In the end, it is not my choice, like I said. Looking back on the year that I had because of my addiction.... my recovery is more important than anything. I will be dead in a matter of days if I decided to change that fact. Writing this out helps me keep this in perspective.

I don't want to argue with my girlfriend. I love her a lot and it hurts me to have to try to explain that my life is always on the line. I never ever want it to seem like I am using it as an excuse but I basically need to keep in mind how dangerous this disease is. Even how scary it is to have negative feelings around my addiction. I need to respect it for the monster that it is.

I am dedicated today and don't have a choice. I want to get a year clean so badly. I am sick of relapsing, it is not my style to give up. Today I am in a good place.

Day 132 : Keeping it in the day ....

Today I can smile and it doesn't hurt.
Today I can look at all of the drama around me .. and I still smile because I am happy despite the mess.

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who became an awful drug addict. What she didn't know was that drugs were going to save her life. She did so many drugs that she just couldn't do anymore and she had to find a better way to live.

She found a program and a group of people who were living life in a simple way. She wanted what they had... "

My Story has just begun.

In 8 days I am turning 25 years old.
I am a brand new baby.
Everything is new.

I found a person who held a key to my heart and he is treating it with care and love.
I met some other people who needed me to help them find their journey.

I have the most amazing family a person can ask for.

Sometimes.. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Just for today.

Day 112- The only way out is through

Who knew?

Things are really difficult when you have no choice but to go through them.

I constantly feel like I am at the beginning of an maze and the only way to get to the other side is to take every wrong turn, and hopefully get to the end. Eventually... I am bound to make it through the other side. But there is no easy way out.

That is my life in a nutshell.

I am taking chances...


It is not easy for me to get close to people.
I have done a lot of stupid things in recovery.
I love to easily.
I am an open wound.
I want everyone to love me.

Scary things = the end of the world.

But somehow .. in retrospect... it is OK. I am alive and more will be revealed.

If it hurts... it is probably teaching me a lesson.

Day 95: It is so great to be alive

It is such a great feeling to be Stephanie today. I have so many wonderful gifts in my life that I am thankful for.

• My amazing parents who have been through a hell and back with me and still show me unconditional love.
• My amazing friends who actually care to learn what I am about and point out when I don't give myself the credit I deserve.
• My sponsor, for loving me when nobody else did (or when I thought nobody else did)
• Most of all... I am happy for me. I am surviving a really hard thing... Addiction kills people and that is where I was heading.

Last week was really hard for me. I missed getting high so badly. All I wanted to do was get high. I even went and asked the Pharmacist at CVS where I could get Niacin that had the FLUSH in it. Niacin is a vitamin that flushes out your blood and it could be really uncomfortable to feel for about 10 mins, so now they make the vitamin without the flush feeling.. I asked for the FLUSH! This woman thought I was nuts... I just wanted to feel that uncomfortableness ... I wanted to feel something from outside.. It was temporary though and now it has past.

My goal this week is to start to be my own friend. I am getting very lonely and Valentines Day is coming and I don't want to let myself get upset. I never had a Valentines day to refer it to anyway. Last Valentines Day, Mr. K went snowboarding and I went to Florida with my fam and watched "He's just not that into you". Go Figure.

I saw Mr. K - last week. I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time because I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to see how beautiful he was and how he still talked the same, and laughed the same, and how much in love with him a part of me will always be. It is so hard to say I accept that now. But I do, it's just sad for me to put in my luggage and move along.

Lately, all the guys who are hitting on me have to be on a certain level of spirituality for me to even talk back to them. If they in anyway seem selfish, untrustworthy, controlling, manipulative, or negative... they are not worth my time because they will bring me down. This leaves me with little to work with , because we ARE ALL human. But.. I need to care for myself and I don't want to be with somebody who can't feel good about the life they are living because what will it bring me.

And then on top of all that, he has to be nerdy, fun, sporty, and cute.... is that so hard to find?

Day 84: Keep Coming, They Say

Recovery is definitely life changing, but I didn't know I was signing up for a "Life Changing Experience". When I first told people in my life that I was going into Recovery for substance abuse, MOST people did not have any clue how much I was using. That doesn't matter now. What matters now is where I am going and not where I have been.

I notice that people are starting to trust me now. I notice that people are noticing my emotions. They say; "Stephanie, when you are smiling like that.. I can tell that you are seriously passionate about whatever your thinking". I am learning how to have serious friendships with people. None of this was ever easy for me. I was living in a shell. I was always uncomfortable in my skin. I will never forget when Mr. K told me that he noticed how uncomfortable I was the day he met me, and a year later he said it never went away.

I am rewatching Lost episodes today and it made me think of all of the days and weeks he watched Lost with me. We had our own private fan club and it was very important to us. Watching it now really makes me miss our own private things. We had so many. Its really hard to lose your best friend, for reasons that are necessary. It's even harder when the kind of love you have for your best friend eats away at you and makes you wonder if you will ever experience that love again... or worse... if he will find it with somebody else.

Whatever happens is completely out of my control. I have gained a huge amount of self esteem by being clean. By going out with large groups of people and doing things all the time, I get called "beautiful", "pretty", "sweet and cute", etc. Every guy that meets me has something really nice to say and its really flattering. After a while, I started to look in the mirror and believe these guys. Even ladies started telling me that they liked my style, or my hair, or something. I started to feel like I have a great package to offer. I've become extremely protective of myself... I finally feel like if somebody takes me on a date, they have to be able to offer me what I can offer them. And I mean, spiritually and emotionally. (unfortunately there are not a ton of winners out there)

I have to stop thinking that the "answer" is withing another person because it isn't. I am not going to find out who I am by being with another person. What I am feeling today is a desire to be close to another person, mentally and physically. This is a perfect normal feeling. When I am ready and when a person is ready (whoever that person may be)... it will happen for me.

It is a really hard reality to accept for somebody like me who has never been alone.. and this is why it is such a challenge.

But I have so many great things in my life to focus on and things are going well. So as long as I keep it up, it is supposed to fall into place.

It's like, starting over.

Day 78: confusion and more confusions

I'm not really sure why I am confused. I feel like I am so complacent with everything at the moment. Everything is not true... I am very very happy with my new job. I don't have stress about it and feel very confident about my skill. That is a very positive thing to feel.

I am anxious to hit 90 days. I know nothing special is going to happen, but I feel like I have been waiting for it for a while. Funny how the closer I come to the 90 mark, the nicer it feels to not have to be attached to another person usually of the opposite sex. However, the more a person acts as if they don't need a relationship, the more the flood gates open for possible suiters.

I really want to try taking advantage of being single for a while. Maybe a long while. Never in my life have I felt so content without having somebody to complain to, love, have fun with, take care of, etc. I get most of that stuff from me now.

I am mostly turned off by people who seem to need me. A lot of people are needy .. its almost like default human nature.. except it is not. As babies, if we were left to fend for ourselves with the proper materials to stay alive, we wouldnt NEED anyone. I think the point has been made.

As much fun as I have been having dating, I still want to be alone. Not isolating, but not responsible for how anyone else feels. It's true ... I stillll miss Mr. K. And I am completely OK with that fact. He was my best friend for what felt like a lifetime... I still love him dearly. But I have hope now ... that everything is going the way it is supposed to go.

It feels good.

Now that I think about it... I dont feel weird or complacent at all. Everything is going just fine.

Day 71: Turning it over

Now that my pink cloud is gone and I am starting to live life on life's terms, I wonder when I will start to really take control of my life. But I have to realize that I am in control of nothing. I have to turn it over and let my Higher Power take over.

I am kind of upset because after I started seeing somebody, they end up being flaky. But that is life, people are flaky. I have to realize that it has nothing to do with me not being good enough. I have to realize that I just need to turn it over. If it is meant to work out with this person, it will happen. I cannot control it.

I am really happy about my work. I am thankful the opportunity I was given to work for C & D and am doing the job to the best of my ability. I think they can see it and tell me I am doing a good job. For the first time, those words mean A LOT. I am doing a great job and I am clean. What a freaking miracle. (My sponsor always says that)

I did so many things clean that I never thought I would do. I am starting to feel OK about myself.

I am struggling with being without a man in my life.. but I know that I can't use men for happiness anymore. It is no longer working, and its not fair to abuse other people's feelings.

I am struggling with self image. I am still acting out on ED and you would think after being asked out on sooo many dates I would consider myself attractive. But I just don't. It is something that I can going to start to work on slowly. One step at a time.

I know that the real work is going to come in when I start the step work. I know that I have less than twenty days until I am going to start Step 1. I am really frightened of the steps because part of me does NOT want to change. Part of me is completely afraid of letting go of all of these negative things that makes me.. me . But look at how wonderful my life is now without drugs. ... I bet my life without ED and without the need of a constant companion would feel FREE. But that is kind of obscure to me.

I need to not get ahead of myself...

I just need to be thankfully that I am clean today and people love me.

Thats a wonderful feeling for me.