Today I cried in group. I keep seeing Mr. K in my head in bed with another woman who is better than me. This leads me to the gym where I work out for 1 or 2 hours. I don't know if this is healthy but it seems to get the image out of my head.
I am starting to really hate my body. It is not behaving like it used to. I used to lose weight so easily ... now it is taking longer. I work out so hard. I know I need to be a little stricter with my diet and start to count the amount of fruit and vegetables. I need to lay off the french fries.... but i just gave up Drugs... I don't want to give it all up so fast !!
I am taking a risk and hanging out with a new friend today. In mutual terms that it is JUST to be friends. I feel good about it. There feels like no pressure. I really just want to have friends.
I really just want to learn to accept myself and my body and not get so down on myself. There are plenty of people who consider me very fit. But I am afraid that I think I am the most gross girl on the planet. If I can grab fat or see myself in a stouty way... i feel depressed.
I know the doctor said that this is only temporary and I will get back to normal shortly.... but I am very impatient. And .. I am afraid of ED coming to get me.... I can hear it in my head.. there is almost no escape.
If I don't start to like myself.. I will NEVER be healthy.
But at least Im not on drugs right?
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