Day 118: True Dedication

I thought it would be painful to start writing again. Having struggled to stay off drugs for the last year. This is the most time I have back in over 6 months. It wasn't easy to get clean again but it was easy to pick up again. I know that I needed to get clean again. I know at this point that it isn't always going to be my choice to stay in the process but the other choice is to die.

In May, I picked up drinking again, after 6 months clean ... I thought that I could just drink. It took me about 3 days to find my drug of choice again. I am not even sure how it happened. I brought myself back to the rooms and I stayed clean for another 3 months. That is when I decided that I really didn't care about staying clean ... again. I picked up again and this time I picked up Heroin. This all happened around the same time I was supposed to move to Tampa. Because I knew that heroin was going to kill me sooner than anything, and I was going broke.. again.... I brought myself back into the rooms. I told my boss that I had a serious problem, checked myself back into a program, and started the process all over again.

After three months clean, I decided that I put a lot of work into my recovery and was ready to move to Tampa. Looking back on it now, I probably could have waited a little more time. But I do live in Tampa now, and I made it here clean.. which is a miracle. I started dating a woman who is not in recovery and definitely has a different lifestyle than me. We argue a lot about the fact that I need so much attention and my recovery takes the lead. Sometimes I get so mad at myself that I have to live like this and I get mad at her that she doesn't understand that I don't have a choice. In the end, it is not my choice, like I said. Looking back on the year that I had because of my addiction.... my recovery is more important than anything. I will be dead in a matter of days if I decided to change that fact. Writing this out helps me keep this in perspective.

I don't want to argue with my girlfriend. I love her a lot and it hurts me to have to try to explain that my life is always on the line. I never ever want it to seem like I am using it as an excuse but I basically need to keep in mind how dangerous this disease is. Even how scary it is to have negative feelings around my addiction. I need to respect it for the monster that it is.

I am dedicated today and don't have a choice. I want to get a year clean so badly. I am sick of relapsing, it is not my style to give up. Today I am in a good place.

Day 132 : Keeping it in the day ....

Today I can smile and it doesn't hurt.
Today I can look at all of the drama around me .. and I still smile because I am happy despite the mess.

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who became an awful drug addict. What she didn't know was that drugs were going to save her life. She did so many drugs that she just couldn't do anymore and she had to find a better way to live.

She found a program and a group of people who were living life in a simple way. She wanted what they had... "

My Story has just begun.

In 8 days I am turning 25 years old.
I am a brand new baby.
Everything is new.

I found a person who held a key to my heart and he is treating it with care and love.
I met some other people who needed me to help them find their journey.

I have the most amazing family a person can ask for.

Sometimes.. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Just for today.

Day 112- The only way out is through

Who knew?

Things are really difficult when you have no choice but to go through them.

I constantly feel like I am at the beginning of an maze and the only way to get to the other side is to take every wrong turn, and hopefully get to the end. Eventually... I am bound to make it through the other side. But there is no easy way out.

That is my life in a nutshell.

I am taking chances...


It is not easy for me to get close to people.
I have done a lot of stupid things in recovery.
I love to easily.
I am an open wound.
I want everyone to love me.

Scary things = the end of the world.

But somehow .. in retrospect... it is OK. I am alive and more will be revealed.

If it hurts... it is probably teaching me a lesson.

Day 95: It is so great to be alive

It is such a great feeling to be Stephanie today. I have so many wonderful gifts in my life that I am thankful for.

• My amazing parents who have been through a hell and back with me and still show me unconditional love.
• My amazing friends who actually care to learn what I am about and point out when I don't give myself the credit I deserve.
• My sponsor, for loving me when nobody else did (or when I thought nobody else did)
• Most of all... I am happy for me. I am surviving a really hard thing... Addiction kills people and that is where I was heading.

Last week was really hard for me. I missed getting high so badly. All I wanted to do was get high. I even went and asked the Pharmacist at CVS where I could get Niacin that had the FLUSH in it. Niacin is a vitamin that flushes out your blood and it could be really uncomfortable to feel for about 10 mins, so now they make the vitamin without the flush feeling.. I asked for the FLUSH! This woman thought I was nuts... I just wanted to feel that uncomfortableness ... I wanted to feel something from outside.. It was temporary though and now it has past.

My goal this week is to start to be my own friend. I am getting very lonely and Valentines Day is coming and I don't want to let myself get upset. I never had a Valentines day to refer it to anyway. Last Valentines Day, Mr. K went snowboarding and I went to Florida with my fam and watched "He's just not that into you". Go Figure.

I saw Mr. K - last week. I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time because I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to see how beautiful he was and how he still talked the same, and laughed the same, and how much in love with him a part of me will always be. It is so hard to say I accept that now. But I do, it's just sad for me to put in my luggage and move along.

Lately, all the guys who are hitting on me have to be on a certain level of spirituality for me to even talk back to them. If they in anyway seem selfish, untrustworthy, controlling, manipulative, or negative... they are not worth my time because they will bring me down. This leaves me with little to work with , because we ARE ALL human. But.. I need to care for myself and I don't want to be with somebody who can't feel good about the life they are living because what will it bring me.

And then on top of all that, he has to be nerdy, fun, sporty, and cute.... is that so hard to find?

Day 84: Keep Coming, They Say

Recovery is definitely life changing, but I didn't know I was signing up for a "Life Changing Experience". When I first told people in my life that I was going into Recovery for substance abuse, MOST people did not have any clue how much I was using. That doesn't matter now. What matters now is where I am going and not where I have been.

I notice that people are starting to trust me now. I notice that people are noticing my emotions. They say; "Stephanie, when you are smiling like that.. I can tell that you are seriously passionate about whatever your thinking". I am learning how to have serious friendships with people. None of this was ever easy for me. I was living in a shell. I was always uncomfortable in my skin. I will never forget when Mr. K told me that he noticed how uncomfortable I was the day he met me, and a year later he said it never went away.

I am rewatching Lost episodes today and it made me think of all of the days and weeks he watched Lost with me. We had our own private fan club and it was very important to us. Watching it now really makes me miss our own private things. We had so many. Its really hard to lose your best friend, for reasons that are necessary. It's even harder when the kind of love you have for your best friend eats away at you and makes you wonder if you will ever experience that love again... or worse... if he will find it with somebody else.

Whatever happens is completely out of my control. I have gained a huge amount of self esteem by being clean. By going out with large groups of people and doing things all the time, I get called "beautiful", "pretty", "sweet and cute", etc. Every guy that meets me has something really nice to say and its really flattering. After a while, I started to look in the mirror and believe these guys. Even ladies started telling me that they liked my style, or my hair, or something. I started to feel like I have a great package to offer. I've become extremely protective of myself... I finally feel like if somebody takes me on a date, they have to be able to offer me what I can offer them. And I mean, spiritually and emotionally. (unfortunately there are not a ton of winners out there)

I have to stop thinking that the "answer" is withing another person because it isn't. I am not going to find out who I am by being with another person. What I am feeling today is a desire to be close to another person, mentally and physically. This is a perfect normal feeling. When I am ready and when a person is ready (whoever that person may be)... it will happen for me.

It is a really hard reality to accept for somebody like me who has never been alone.. and this is why it is such a challenge.

But I have so many great things in my life to focus on and things are going well. So as long as I keep it up, it is supposed to fall into place.

It's like, starting over.

Day 78: confusion and more confusions

I'm not really sure why I am confused. I feel like I am so complacent with everything at the moment. Everything is not true... I am very very happy with my new job. I don't have stress about it and feel very confident about my skill. That is a very positive thing to feel.

I am anxious to hit 90 days. I know nothing special is going to happen, but I feel like I have been waiting for it for a while. Funny how the closer I come to the 90 mark, the nicer it feels to not have to be attached to another person usually of the opposite sex. However, the more a person acts as if they don't need a relationship, the more the flood gates open for possible suiters.

I really want to try taking advantage of being single for a while. Maybe a long while. Never in my life have I felt so content without having somebody to complain to, love, have fun with, take care of, etc. I get most of that stuff from me now.

I am mostly turned off by people who seem to need me. A lot of people are needy .. its almost like default human nature.. except it is not. As babies, if we were left to fend for ourselves with the proper materials to stay alive, we wouldnt NEED anyone. I think the point has been made.

As much fun as I have been having dating, I still want to be alone. Not isolating, but not responsible for how anyone else feels. It's true ... I stillll miss Mr. K. And I am completely OK with that fact. He was my best friend for what felt like a lifetime... I still love him dearly. But I have hope now ... that everything is going the way it is supposed to go.

It feels good.

Now that I think about it... I dont feel weird or complacent at all. Everything is going just fine.

Day 71: Turning it over

Now that my pink cloud is gone and I am starting to live life on life's terms, I wonder when I will start to really take control of my life. But I have to realize that I am in control of nothing. I have to turn it over and let my Higher Power take over.

I am kind of upset because after I started seeing somebody, they end up being flaky. But that is life, people are flaky. I have to realize that it has nothing to do with me not being good enough. I have to realize that I just need to turn it over. If it is meant to work out with this person, it will happen. I cannot control it.

I am really happy about my work. I am thankful the opportunity I was given to work for C & D and am doing the job to the best of my ability. I think they can see it and tell me I am doing a good job. For the first time, those words mean A LOT. I am doing a great job and I am clean. What a freaking miracle. (My sponsor always says that)

I did so many things clean that I never thought I would do. I am starting to feel OK about myself.

I am struggling with being without a man in my life.. but I know that I can't use men for happiness anymore. It is no longer working, and its not fair to abuse other people's feelings.

I am struggling with self image. I am still acting out on ED and you would think after being asked out on sooo many dates I would consider myself attractive. But I just don't. It is something that I can going to start to work on slowly. One step at a time.

I know that the real work is going to come in when I start the step work. I know that I have less than twenty days until I am going to start Step 1. I am really frightened of the steps because part of me does NOT want to change. Part of me is completely afraid of letting go of all of these negative things that makes me.. me . But look at how wonderful my life is now without drugs. ... I bet my life without ED and without the need of a constant companion would feel FREE. But that is kind of obscure to me.

I need to not get ahead of myself...

I just need to be thankfully that I am clean today and people love me.

Thats a wonderful feeling for me.

Day 66: New Beginnings

Nothing is coincidence.

Coincidence is a message from a higher power.

So what... I am becoming Spiritual. Is that a bad thing?

Today I drove up to New Paltz to meet DW and CW. They are giving me the gift of creativity and love. I deserve this gift. They are showing me that freedom is around the corner. All I needed was for them to open the door and I am going to run right through it.

Driving to New Paltz alone was a coincidence for me. At first I thought that CW was going to be a little bit upset with my because I made the decision to keep my recovery at the forefront. I chose to spend a few hours a week for the next 4 weeks to do my Outpatient step down program. I really want to make sure that I am continuing to build my foundation and strengthen my tools in order to become the best person possible.

When I got there, CW did not seem angry at all. It was all in my head. I made more of it then I had to.

We all went out to a really nice, easy lunch. I was not even close to affected at the beer drinking around me. I could care less. I noticed that I ate the same exact meal as DW and realized that I truly idolize that woman. I wish I was able to tell her. She is living the life I want to live. She worked her ass off for years and now has a beautiful home, daughter, and life. She doesn't let anything get too serious or too hard and she lives by the power of suggestion. So... I ordered the same meal as her. Hoping that some of it rubs off on me.

Driving back to Queens was weird. I was alone in the car, so I had a lot of time to think. Thinking is not always the best thing to do if you are an addict. I thought about Mr. L.... who I know I haven't mentioned much in this blog. He is on my mind often. I am not sure how to write out how I feel about him or for him. He is one of those things that I can put into a million nonsense words... but cannot describe what is the real emotional part. This is one of those things I am going to let my higher power handle.. because I am pretty sure that it is already in the hands of her. She knows what is right for me.

So I thought about Mr. L and I thought about my sponsor. I thought about my sister and my parents. I thought about Mr. K and what he might be doing, as I always do. I thought about my new beautiful friends who made my weekend amazing and hopeful. I thought about how lucky and how tormented I am. I felt really in peace with it all.

Until... I hit the Bronx.

I got onto the Cross Bronx Expressway going towards the Throgs Neck Bridge and I started to see the signs that I used to see when I was counting down the minutes until the pills would kick in and I would get that rush starting in my foot and making its warm feeling up my legs and into my stomach. Then I would hit the bridge and it would be time to smoke that perfect first high cigarette. Even typing this is giving me the chills. I got over the bridge and realized t hat I wasn't high. I didn't just spend a few hundred dollars. And I was on my way to a meeting.

I was going to the right place.

I got there... and I shared the story. And I let it go.

Day 60: Green things grow

The future is completely unknown
How lucky am I to wake up everyday and experience everything
This sounds horribly cheesy... but this is what I feel

I am completely free
Nobody controls me and I don't need anyone to be me.

I feel amazing.

These past 60 days have been the hardest days of my life.
I felt every emotion a million times over.
I let go of people that I thought I would never live without.
They might come back into my life, when the time is right, or might not. Whatever happens will happen... and I will keep living.

Meeting people and embracing the new people in my life has truly been a blessing.

I learn something from everyone I meet.
I am completely letting go of anger and fear.
Those feelings are not always needed.... especially from me.

Today I take care of my health, mind, body and spirit everyday.
"I used to think that I had all the answers, but today I am glad that I don't."

Day 54: Happy New Years

I have been clean for almost 2 months for the first time in 10 years. In these two months my entire life has changed and I really love my life today. It took me these two months to just let go.
Everyone around me in recovery has been talking about "letting go" and honestly it made no sense to me. I let everything affect me. I am sensitive and I have feelings and I thought;
Why wouldn't I let things affect me?
Why wouldn't I grieve for years over my loss of my past relationship?
Why wouldn't I hate myself for all the stupid things I have done in the last year?
Why wouldn't I feel confused about the way I acted while I was using?

And then it made sense.... Let it Go.
Why should I entertain thoughts that don't make me feel good right now? In active addiction...I did a lot of dumb things. I acted horribly. I hurt and cheated many people. I treated myself poorly and I almost died. But in the end. .... I cannot change any of those things and I cannot make any of the people affected change how they feel about me.
But the most important thing I can do is treat myself well.... and Forgive Myself... because nobody else has to. I have to go on with life. I can't just sit here and feel bad about myself or LET people make me feel bad about myself. I am not perfect... and I have no intention on being.

I just have to love myself today whether or not anyone else does.

I am extremely happy going into 2010.

• I have a new opportunity and the love and support of the people from my past who are important to me.
• I have an amazing sister who I am finally a good example for.
  
• I have amazing girl friends in my life for the first time EVER.
  
• I am able to date people without feeling a NEED for them.
  
• For the first time I am letting men come to me... and don't want to make them a "boyfriend" or "life long relationship"... for ONCE that idea seems really stupid to me at the age of 24.
  

I have A LOT of life to live. I am really EXCITED to be living it for ME and for NOBODY else. This is going to be an AMAZING year.

Day 47: My lucky number

Today I cried in group. I keep seeing Mr. K in my head in bed with another woman who is better than me. This leads me to the gym where I work out for 1 or 2 hours. I don't know if this is healthy but it seems to get the image out of my head.

I am starting to really hate my body. It is not behaving like it used to. I used to lose weight so easily ... now it is taking longer. I work out so hard. I know I need to be a little stricter with my diet and start to count the amount of fruit and vegetables. I need to lay off the french fries.... but i just gave up Drugs... I don't want to give it all up so fast !!

I am taking a risk and hanging out with a new friend today. In mutual terms that it is JUST to be friends. I feel good about it. There feels like no pressure. I really just want to have friends.

I really just want to learn to accept myself and my body and not get so down on myself. There are plenty of people who consider me very fit. But I am afraid that I think I am the most gross girl on the planet. If I can grab fat or see myself in a stouty way... i feel depressed.

I know the doctor said that this is only temporary and I will get back to normal shortly.... but I am very impatient. And .. I am afraid of ED coming to get me.... I can hear it in my head.. there is almost no escape.

If I don't start to like myself.. I will NEVER be healthy.
But at least Im not on drugs right?

Day 45: Realization

I have come to the realization that my whole life before today was a lie. I am left with pieces of what I thought was reality ... all I feel is pain.

Day 42: Things I am looking forward to

There is just too much going on in my life to begin to spill it out in one post. I really need to keep up with this blog more often. When you are clean there is a lot more time on your hands to do a lot more things.

Where to begin:

1. My Sister came home and admitted to me that she has been struggling with a drinking problem (great....)
2. My new friend Brian has reintroduced me to playing music which has been kicking up some serious past emotions for me. But it is said that everything happens for a reason.. I definitely need to mourn music.
   
3. Mr. K has been speaking to me much more now that he is in Brazil. I am not sure if he actually loves speaking to me as much as I do him, or if he is just calling me to get a taste of home. But I should stay positive.
   
4. My car has a plethora of issues that might end up putting me in debt... but its okay with me somehow.
   
5. I am have a hard time loving the whole "sponsor" thing. I don't like small talk and I am not sure what I am supposed to talk about. It is not the fault of the sponsor because it would be like this with anyone.
   

All and all ... I really have no desire to be using drugs but life is hard nowadays. I have 2 weeks left of OUTPATIENT. Funny how much I complained about it at the very beginning of this blog and now I am really upset that it is almost over. ...

Day 36: Being there

I keep learning that this world is full of people who are placed in front of you to teach you lessons about yourself. No matter how big or small the lesson might be, the message is always the same. If I close myself away from everyone in this world, how will I ever identify with them and be able to learn. I find that when people trust me with their secrets and their feelings, it makes it easier for me to be honest with my own self and recognize my feelings through theirs. Sometimes I can put myself out there and just hope that people grab on, but sometimes people need to go through life experiences on their own. There is nothing I can do that will change how people decide to handle certain life changing events.

I tried to put myself out there to Miss G tonight and she actually told me that I had been too focused on myself to pay attention to her struggling. And even though it is a touchy subject, and I actually have listened to her struggle, I was not hurt by what she said. She is going through something right now and I have let her know that I am one hundred percent here for her when she is ready to share with me. I cant attack her and make her do things that she is not ready to do... and maybe she needs to meditate on her struggle before she is able to vocalize what she needs from others.

I put myself out there to Mr. K many many times, but still I personally struggle with what will become of our relationship. I finally come to terms that our original relationship was based on lies and it leaves me to believe that the future of our terms are solely based on the fact that we do have a real true bond with each other. Whether or not it is seen everyday, I know .. and I know he knows that it is far from a lie and far from dead. And.. finally .. I am completely OK with just knowing that.

I put myself out there for new people in my life and hearing their struggles has inspired me to actually continue my own journey. Being involved with people in recovery has left me to realize that life is NOT a struggle, it is our path that we are so lucky to be on. Sometimes it just has to be that simple.

I am having a really hard time with money right now. The problem being that I am not really bringing anything in and it is unsaid as to when that will change. I am nervous that I will not have enough money to do anything that I enjoy or even take care of things I need in the very near future. But it has brought me to appreciate that I have a family who loves me so much that they are helping me financially because they see that I am doing the right thing for once. It has brought me so much closer to them during this time, so maybe while it is ONLY temporary, it served a HUGE purpose. Maybe because I was always financially independent, I was able to enjoy or feel close to my family, and now I love spending time with them more than anything.

Everything serves a purpose... Sometimes you just have to be there to experience it.

Day 33 Moving on

I really didn't expect any of this to happen. I guess I think the world is always going to work out how I want it to .. but that just in not the case.
I really didn't want to move on... and I really did NOT want Mr. K to move on either. To have to see it on Facebook or hear about it. I thought it might happen months from now, not sooo quickly, not soo in my face. But there is nothing I can do about it.. not one thing.
I just have to accept that I cant control him and his life. ... I can only control my own life. And I deserve to be happy and not obsessed with negative thinking.
Everything is going to be OK. I just need to keep it simple.

Day 29: Healthy times ahead

Yesterday's new job experience was NOT as bad as I thought it would be. OF COURSE. Believe it or not there was a moment where I was overwhelmed and didn't feel like I could keep up doing the work I was asked to do because it got very busy and I just wasn't completely familiar with the work. So .... I asked for help and was honest. I got help, the job got done, nobody was angry with me, and that was that! Go figure.
I guess that is part of Step 1, admitting I needed help.

After reading the Just For Today this morning... I realized that all arrows were pointing to me. No matter what I do, I have to put this first. I am learning so much these past few days. I call my sponsor and believe it or not, as much as I don't like calling somebody everyday, she forces me to open my eyes and pay attention to me for a few minutes a day. So maybe this is what it is all about.

Two months ago if you told me I would LOVE sleeping in my own bed, cuddling up with a book, and having days and days go by where I don't really obsess or even talk to Mr. K.... I would tell you that I'd probably be dead or in an institution. But to break it down quite simply... I am doing so great. I am not obsessed with ANYTHING... because why should I do that? It is very very unhealthy.

I had plans today to meet a friend that were sorta up in the air. I didn't plan anything else all day not knowing when I would have to meet up, and I got a call saying it would have to be later than sooner. Normally I would be so upset that I didn't plan anything or that I didn't know what was going on. But the truth is that I had a nice relaxing day and it's not like we had squared off plans anyway.

I really don't miss my old way of thinking.


The only thing I am kind of upset about is the fact that I very obviously gained a little weight. At first I didn't understand.... but now I realized I am first only back to my original workout routine in the past 3 weeks.
I AM upset about it. And now I DO have to start eating right.
I noticed that i DONT drink enough water.
I noticed that i DONT eat any fruit.
I noticed that i DONT eat any vegetables.
No wonder I put on weight....

So.. maybe this getting healthy thing will be OK after all.
What is the big deal?

Day 28: Never doubt

Learning how to let go of negative thoughts and realizing "Whatever will be will be" is a lot harder than I thought. However, this might be one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned... but I think it might be more of a process.

I desperately needed to make some money so I decided to reach out to a Party Planning service and request to work for them at one of their Bar Mitzvah services. My role is going to be to use Photoshop to create customized skins for ipods, iphones, etc. I kept telling myself all day that I was not going to be good enough to do it. That the training I received was not enough to be able to handle things right away. I was starting to get really nervous because I almost convinced myself that I was going to mess it all up and it was going to be horrible. Then, I started planning a way to get out of doing this. I had NO IDEA that this was Negative Thinking.
I called my sponsor and she said that I am just going to try it and do the best I can and whatever will be, will be. But if I convince myself that I cant handle it, then I wont be able to. That whole thought process is really silly....Especially because I spent over a YEAR doing this exact job for another company and it is not new to me at all.
I am just going to do the best I can do, and not let myself freak out about it because in the big picture.... it is NOT my career, it is just a small challenge to be able to make some quick money. Obviously the company thought I WAS good enough to start me right away, why don't I think I am good enough.
My thought process is just all so silly.... this will be a flash in the pan.

It is NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

Day 23 Need vs. Want

This past weekend I decided to write down everything I had accomplished. I decided that taking a look at the little things I do and letting myself feel good about them might allow me to feel good about myself.
After I wrote and rewrote the list, I realized that I did a lot of things that not only benefited my life but the lives of others. This made me feel really great. And all of this despite the fact that Mr. K is definitely distancing himself from me more than before. I can handle this because I am started to just feel good about myself and realizing that whatever will be will be.. and I just have to worry about me.

I am starting to come to the realization that "needing" people is very dangerous. It is just as easy to be addicted to people as it is to drugs. Finding happiness is the company of a person can lead to the feeling of emptiness without that person which is very unhealthy. I realize now how much I did this and how unfair and unnatural this is. But at the time I had no other way. From now on.. all of my interactions with people will not be based on "need" but on sharing and "want". It is OK to want to be with somebody whether is is Passionate or Platonic but it is not OK to need to be with somebody. This took almost a month for me to understand, which in the big picture, is not that long but each day was grueling. And.. I could only come to this conclusion once I was clean from drugs.

To realize now that I was under the biggest pile of garbage is not upsetting. Everyday I learn how to remove another layer of dust and find out that there is something really awesome within me and I get to be this girl and I get to experience life for all it is and that is a really great thing. Sometimes I laugh at myself and how cheesy I sound. But I really am quite happy today.. I might be alone, reading a book or watching TV in the comfort of a home that holds people who love me... and I am OK and I am happy. What more can I really ask for.

If I just continue down this path, I will begin to attract more positivity... and that is what I want in my life ... but not what I need.

Day 18: Pink Cloud

In recovery, I am on what they call a "Pink Cloud". The experts will tell you that the pink cloud is what you feel when you are first starting to understand that you can be clean and free of drugs and you are starting to understand how beautiful life can be just on it's own.

I was lucky enough to make some really lovely friends in recovery. Friends that allow me to talk and listen for hours. I have been able to enjoy spending time with my sister and not really worry about when I am going to have to pick up. I have been able to focus on my work out and feel what its like to really work out my muscles instead of working out on fake adrenaline. I have been able to go hiking in the woods and watch the birds and the trees changing colors and just feel really overwhelmed with how much beauty there is naturally in the world.

I remember Mr. K and how he was always fascinated by the clouds and the different shapes they took. I always felt a little jealous of him because I wondered why I couldn't be just as happy looking at clouds. Why did I always feel like it was going to take more for me to be that interested in something. I am slowly realizing that I was just never content within myself to be able to open myself up. But more importantly to open my mind and my heart.

Lately, I have been really honest with myself. I have no reason to keep anything in anymore. I miss Mr. K and the simple joys he used to bring me. But I do not miss the way that I tricked myself into feeling with him or anyone else for that matter. My mind constantly made me feel Not good enough to enjoy somebodies company. My mind made me feel like I was not worthy of having somebody love me truly for who I was. I was never good enough for him, or myself. That is what lead me to want to hurt myself over and over. How could I Ever Ever Ever be able to truly love somebody as wonderful as Mr. K when I was not capable of loving somebody like myself? How could I expect Mr. K to find out who I was ... when I didn't know that there was anything inside of me?

I feel like I am accepting now that the only way I could ever ever ever ever have the beautiful relationship that I dream of having with Mr. K is to discover myself and love myself, so that I can give him a wonderful woman to love. A woman that doesn't NEED him, but enjoys him. A woman that is sure of herself and what she is capable of with or without the relationship. I know now what I want out of a relationship and I know now that I want a relationship with myself before I can have one seriously with anyone else.

I finally feel like I am going to be alright. It is all going to be okay. I just have to love myself and know that I am doing a good job because I am working on me.... and I am doing the best I can at being the best I can.. and as long as I do that everyday it will all be alright.

Maybe I am on the Pink Cloud. ....
Maybe I will have dark and gloomy days. Maybe I will get urges to use drugs again. Maybe I will go through something that is hard.
But I just have to remember that I am lucky to be here and be me and be really thankful for everything I do have in life and not worry about the things I do not have.... because none of that really matters if I don't have ME.

It might all sound cheesy.... and my Pink Cloud might burst and it might start to Rain. But for today... I am okay with where I am at.

Day 10 .... baby steps

• I decided to only think new thoughts today that I have never thought before. Every time a thought would come into my head that I know I have thought in the past came into my head, I just replaced with something completely different.
  
• Today I did whatever my heart wanted me to. I shared however I wanted to. I stopped my car for a minute to take down my convertible top and enjoy the drive. I spoke to the kids who work at the record store as if they weren't less than me. I made a promise to myself that no matter what happened with Mr. K or my parents, I was just gonna be happy that they love me and that's it. I am just happy to be here today.... and what an amazing day it is. Finally, I don't have to finish my day thinking that my life sucks. What a difference!
• Tonight at the meeting I actually started hugging people. I never really was hugging until tonight. I was actually happy to see these people and actually happy to hug them. Those 5 seconds of a hug are starting to be so magical and special to me. I sat in the meeting and crossed my legs, closed my eyes, and clasped my hands together and started meditating on the people's stories. I really wanted to hear every word and every breathe and place myself in their hearts. This is something I have never done before, feel deeply. And I am kinda addicted to feeling.... is that possible? I wanna feel something about everyone and everything... it is kinda weird.
  
• I decided tonight I love something in everyone... and I dont really have to hate anything..because that is not going to get me anything but grief and reasons to use. I hate this, I hate that, blah blah blah ... it really is only negativity that my addiction wants me to feel so that it could give me a reason to get high and block the negativity. But what if I don't have to feel the negativity... as my best friend Gigi would say; "Who Woulda Thunk?"
• I saw a guy tonight at the meeting who I always see at meetings. I have always been indifferent to him, could not care either way. But I wanted to find something about him that I love. .... because this is what I am practicing. And then he smiled and it was the most genuine smile I have ever seen, as if his heart was smiling and he felt happy all over... and it just made me really happy. And then I thought... Woah, just looking at this guy being happy made me happy. When I was high, I barely even noticed anyone around me ... I lived completely in my head. Recovery is really such a blessing... and I am so grateful to just be here!