I have been clean for almost 2 months for the first time in 10 years. In these two months my entire life has changed and I really love my life today. It took me these two months to just let go.
Everyone around me in recovery has been talking about "letting go" and honestly it made no sense to me. I let everything affect me. I am sensitive and I have feelings and I thought;
Why wouldn't I let things affect me?
Why wouldn't I grieve for years over my loss of my past relationship?
Why wouldn't I hate myself for all the stupid things I have done in the last year?
Why wouldn't I feel confused about the way I acted while I was using?
And then it made sense.... Let it Go.
Why should I entertain thoughts that don't make me feel good right now? In active addiction...I did a lot of dumb things. I acted horribly. I hurt and cheated many people. I treated myself poorly and I almost died. But in the end. .... I cannot change any of those things and I cannot make any of the people affected change how they feel about me.
But the most important thing I can do is treat myself well.... and Forgive Myself... because nobody else has to. I have to go on with life. I can't just sit here and feel bad about myself or LET people make me feel bad about myself. I am not perfect... and I have no intention on being.
I just have to love myself today whether or not anyone else does.
I am extremely happy going into 2010.
- I have a new opportunity and the love and support of the people from my past who are important to me.
- I have an amazing sister who I am finally a good example for.
- I have amazing girl friends in my life for the first time EVER.
- I am able to date people without feeling a NEED for them.
- For the first time I am letting men come to me... and don't want to make them a "boyfriend" or "life long relationship"... for ONCE that idea seems really stupid to me at the age of 24.
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