In recovery, I am on what they call a "Pink Cloud". The experts will tell you that the pink cloud is what you feel when you are first starting to understand that you can be clean and free of drugs and you are starting to understand how beautiful life can be just on it's own.
I was lucky enough to make some really lovely friends in recovery. Friends that allow me to talk and listen for hours. I have been able to enjoy spending time with my sister and not really worry about when I am going to have to pick up. I have been able to focus on my work out and feel what its like to really work out my muscles instead of working out on fake adrenaline. I have been able to go hiking in the woods and watch the birds and the trees changing colors and just feel really overwhelmed with how much beauty there is naturally in the world.
I remember Mr. K and how he was always fascinated by the clouds and the different shapes they took. I always felt a little jealous of him because I wondered why I couldn't be just as happy looking at clouds. Why did I always feel like it was going to take more for me to be that interested in something. I am slowly realizing that I was just never content within myself to be able to open myself up. But more importantly to open my mind and my heart.
Lately, I have been really honest with myself. I have no reason to keep anything in anymore. I miss Mr. K and the simple joys he used to bring me. But I do not miss the way that I tricked myself into feeling with him or anyone else for that matter. My mind constantly made me feel Not good enough to enjoy somebodies company. My mind made me feel like I was not worthy of having somebody love me truly for who I was. I was never good enough for him, or myself. That is what lead me to want to hurt myself over and over. How could I Ever Ever Ever be able to truly love somebody as wonderful as Mr. K when I was not capable of loving somebody like myself? How could I expect Mr. K to find out who I was ... when I didn't know that there was anything inside of me?
I feel like I am accepting now that the only way I could ever ever ever ever have the beautiful relationship that I dream of having with Mr. K is to discover myself and love myself, so that I can give him a wonderful woman to love. A woman that doesn't NEED him, but enjoys him. A woman that is sure of herself and what she is capable of with or without the relationship. I know now what I want out of a relationship and I know now that I want a relationship with myself before I can have one seriously with anyone else.
I finally feel like I am going to be alright. It is all going to be okay. I just have to love myself and know that I am doing a good job because I am working on me.... and I am doing the best I can at being the best I can.. and as long as I do that everyday it will all be alright.
Maybe I am on the Pink Cloud. ....
Maybe I will have dark and gloomy days. Maybe I will get urges to use drugs again. Maybe I will go through something that is hard.
But I just have to remember that I am lucky to be here and be me and be really thankful for everything I do have in life and not worry about the things I do not have.... because none of that really matters if I don't have ME.
It might all sound cheesy.... and my Pink Cloud might burst and it might start to Rain. But for today... I am okay with where I am at.
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