Day 36: Being there

I keep learning that this world is full of people who are placed in front of you to teach you lessons about yourself. No matter how big or small the lesson might be, the message is always the same. If I close myself away from everyone in this world, how will I ever identify with them and be able to learn. I find that when people trust me with their secrets and their feelings, it makes it easier for me to be honest with my own self and recognize my feelings through theirs. Sometimes I can put myself out there and just hope that people grab on, but sometimes people need to go through life experiences on their own. There is nothing I can do that will change how people decide to handle certain life changing events.

I tried to put myself out there to Miss G tonight and she actually told me that I had been too focused on myself to pay attention to her struggling. And even though it is a touchy subject, and I actually have listened to her struggle, I was not hurt by what she said. She is going through something right now and I have let her know that I am one hundred percent here for her when she is ready to share with me. I cant attack her and make her do things that she is not ready to do... and maybe she needs to meditate on her struggle before she is able to vocalize what she needs from others.

I put myself out there to Mr. K many many times, but still I personally struggle with what will become of our relationship. I finally come to terms that our original relationship was based on lies and it leaves me to believe that the future of our terms are solely based on the fact that we do have a real true bond with each other. Whether or not it is seen everyday, I know .. and I know he knows that it is far from a lie and far from dead. And.. finally .. I am completely OK with just knowing that.

I put myself out there for new people in my life and hearing their struggles has inspired me to actually continue my own journey. Being involved with people in recovery has left me to realize that life is NOT a struggle, it is our path that we are so lucky to be on. Sometimes it just has to be that simple.

I am having a really hard time with money right now. The problem being that I am not really bringing anything in and it is unsaid as to when that will change. I am nervous that I will not have enough money to do anything that I enjoy or even take care of things I need in the very near future. But it has brought me to appreciate that I have a family who loves me so much that they are helping me financially because they see that I am doing the right thing for once. It has brought me so much closer to them during this time, so maybe while it is ONLY temporary, it served a HUGE purpose. Maybe because I was always financially independent, I was able to enjoy or feel close to my family, and now I love spending time with them more than anything.

Everything serves a purpose... Sometimes you just have to be there to experience it.