Nothing is coincidence.
Coincidence is a message from a higher power.
So what... I am becoming Spiritual. Is that a bad thing?
Today I drove up to New Paltz to meet DW and CW. They are giving me the gift of creativity and love. I deserve this gift. They are showing me that freedom is around the corner. All I needed was for them to open the door and I am going to run right through it.
Driving to New Paltz alone was a coincidence for me. At first I thought that CW was going to be a little bit upset with my because I made the decision to keep my recovery at the forefront. I chose to spend a few hours a week for the next 4 weeks to do my Outpatient step down program. I really want to make sure that I am continuing to build my foundation and strengthen my tools in order to become the best person possible.
When I got there, CW did not seem angry at all. It was all in my head. I made more of it then I had to.
We all went out to a really nice, easy lunch. I was not even close to affected at the beer drinking around me. I could care less. I noticed that I ate the same exact meal as DW and realized that I truly idolize that woman. I wish I was able to tell her. She is living the life I want to live. She worked her ass off for years and now has a beautiful home, daughter, and life. She doesn't let anything get too serious or too hard and she lives by the power of suggestion. So... I ordered the same meal as her. Hoping that some of it rubs off on me.
Driving back to Queens was weird. I was alone in the car, so I had a lot of time to think. Thinking is not always the best thing to do if you are an addict. I thought about Mr. L.... who I know I haven't mentioned much in this blog. He is on my mind often. I am not sure how to write out how I feel about him or for him. He is one of those things that I can put into a million nonsense words... but cannot describe what is the real emotional part. This is one of those things I am going to let my higher power handle.. because I am pretty sure that it is already in the hands of her. She knows what is right for me.
So I thought about Mr. L and I thought about my sponsor. I thought about my sister and my parents. I thought about Mr. K and what he might be doing, as I always do. I thought about my new beautiful friends who made my weekend amazing and hopeful. I thought about how lucky and how tormented I am. I felt really in peace with it all.
Until... I hit the Bronx.
I got onto the Cross Bronx Expressway going towards the Throgs Neck Bridge and I started to see the signs that I used to see when I was counting down the minutes until the pills would kick in and I would get that rush starting in my foot and making its warm feeling up my legs and into my stomach. Then I would hit the bridge and it would be time to smoke that perfect first high cigarette. Even typing this is giving me the chills. I got over the bridge and realized t hat I wasn't high. I didn't just spend a few hundred dollars. And I was on my way to a meeting.
I was going to the right place.
I got there... and I shared the story. And I let it go.
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