Day 71: Turning it over

Now that my pink cloud is gone and I am starting to live life on life's terms, I wonder when I will start to really take control of my life. But I have to realize that I am in control of nothing. I have to turn it over and let my Higher Power take over.

I am kind of upset because after I started seeing somebody, they end up being flaky. But that is life, people are flaky. I have to realize that it has nothing to do with me not being good enough. I have to realize that I just need to turn it over. If it is meant to work out with this person, it will happen. I cannot control it.

I am really happy about my work. I am thankful the opportunity I was given to work for C & D and am doing the job to the best of my ability. I think they can see it and tell me I am doing a good job. For the first time, those words mean A LOT. I am doing a great job and I am clean. What a freaking miracle. (My sponsor always says that)

I did so many things clean that I never thought I would do. I am starting to feel OK about myself.

I am struggling with being without a man in my life.. but I know that I can't use men for happiness anymore. It is no longer working, and its not fair to abuse other people's feelings.

I am struggling with self image. I am still acting out on ED and you would think after being asked out on sooo many dates I would consider myself attractive. But I just don't. It is something that I can going to start to work on slowly. One step at a time.

I know that the real work is going to come in when I start the step work. I know that I have less than twenty days until I am going to start Step 1. I am really frightened of the steps because part of me does NOT want to change. Part of me is completely afraid of letting go of all of these negative things that makes me.. me . But look at how wonderful my life is now without drugs. ... I bet my life without ED and without the need of a constant companion would feel FREE. But that is kind of obscure to me.

I need to not get ahead of myself...

I just need to be thankfully that I am clean today and people love me.

Thats a wonderful feeling for me.