Day 95: It is so great to be alive

It is such a great feeling to be Stephanie today. I have so many wonderful gifts in my life that I am thankful for.

• My amazing parents who have been through a hell and back with me and still show me unconditional love.
• My amazing friends who actually care to learn what I am about and point out when I don't give myself the credit I deserve.
• My sponsor, for loving me when nobody else did (or when I thought nobody else did)
• Most of all... I am happy for me. I am surviving a really hard thing... Addiction kills people and that is where I was heading.

Last week was really hard for me. I missed getting high so badly. All I wanted to do was get high. I even went and asked the Pharmacist at CVS where I could get Niacin that had the FLUSH in it. Niacin is a vitamin that flushes out your blood and it could be really uncomfortable to feel for about 10 mins, so now they make the vitamin without the flush feeling.. I asked for the FLUSH! This woman thought I was nuts... I just wanted to feel that uncomfortableness ... I wanted to feel something from outside.. It was temporary though and now it has past.

My goal this week is to start to be my own friend. I am getting very lonely and Valentines Day is coming and I don't want to let myself get upset. I never had a Valentines day to refer it to anyway. Last Valentines Day, Mr. K went snowboarding and I went to Florida with my fam and watched "He's just not that into you". Go Figure.

I saw Mr. K - last week. I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time because I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to see how beautiful he was and how he still talked the same, and laughed the same, and how much in love with him a part of me will always be. It is so hard to say I accept that now. But I do, it's just sad for me to put in my luggage and move along.

Lately, all the guys who are hitting on me have to be on a certain level of spirituality for me to even talk back to them. If they in anyway seem selfish, untrustworthy, controlling, manipulative, or negative... they are not worth my time because they will bring me down. This leaves me with little to work with , because we ARE ALL human. But.. I need to care for myself and I don't want to be with somebody who can't feel good about the life they are living because what will it bring me.

And then on top of all that, he has to be nerdy, fun, sporty, and cute.... is that so hard to find?