Recovery is definitely life changing, but I didn't know I was signing up for a "Life Changing Experience". When I first told people in my life that I was going into Recovery for substance abuse, MOST people did not have any clue how much I was using. That doesn't matter now. What matters now is where I am going and not where I have been.
I notice that people are starting to trust me now. I notice that people are noticing my emotions. They say; "Stephanie, when you are smiling like that.. I can tell that you are seriously passionate about whatever your thinking". I am learning how to have serious friendships with people. None of this was ever easy for me. I was living in a shell. I was always uncomfortable in my skin. I will never forget when Mr. K told me that he noticed how uncomfortable I was the day he met me, and a year later he said it never went away.
I am rewatching Lost episodes today and it made me think of all of the days and weeks he watched Lost with me. We had our own private fan club and it was very important to us. Watching it now really makes me miss our own private things. We had so many. Its really hard to lose your best friend, for reasons that are necessary. It's even harder when the kind of love you have for your best friend eats away at you and makes you wonder if you will ever experience that love again... or worse... if he will find it with somebody else.
Whatever happens is completely out of my control. I have gained a huge amount of self esteem by being clean. By going out with large groups of people and doing things all the time, I get called "beautiful", "pretty", "sweet and cute", etc. Every guy that meets me has something really nice to say and its really flattering. After a while, I started to look in the mirror and believe these guys. Even ladies started telling me that they liked my style, or my hair, or something. I started to feel like I have a great package to offer. I've become extremely protective of myself... I finally feel like if somebody takes me on a date, they have to be able to offer me what I can offer them. And I mean, spiritually and emotionally. (unfortunately there are not a ton of winners out there)
I have to stop thinking that the "answer" is withing another person because it isn't. I am not going to find out who I am by being with another person. What I am feeling today is a desire to be close to another person, mentally and physically. This is a perfect normal feeling. When I am ready and when a person is ready (whoever that person may be)... it will happen for me.
It is a really hard reality to accept for somebody like me who has never been alone.. and this is why it is such a challenge.
But I have so many great things in my life to focus on and things are going well. So as long as I keep it up, it is supposed to fall into place.
It's like, starting over.
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